Me After You Read online

  I glare at him with a smirk on my face. “Yeah, I’m a gold medalist. Why are you pushing this, Gray?” We have a good thing going right now. Why does he want to taint it with the ruin that is Willowhaven?

  “Because I hardly know anything about your past, S.”

  “Why do you need to know anything about my past? You know me now. You know who I am. The past doesn’t matter.”

  “The past means everything. The past defines us.”

  “We don’t have to let it.” I stare earnestly into his eyes.

  “It’s involuntary.”

  I look away back to the television because with every word he speaks, it rings true, and I can’t let him see in my eyes that I know he’s right. “I’m not going to talk about Willowhaven with you, Gray, so just drop it please.”

  “Okay,” he relents. “But only because I love you.” My eyes jerk to his again. “Yeah. I said it. I love you, Sawyer.”

  I realize then that Grayson might have mended my heart, because it’s beating abnormally fast. I blink.

  “You don’t have to say it back. I just thought you should—”

  “I love you, too.” He looks at me skeptically, as if I’ve only said it because he said it to me first. But I do mean it. “I do. I love you, Grayson.”

  I’ll never forget the smile that grows on his face if I live until I’m a hundred years old. He doesn’t hesitate. He grabs my face and kisses me so ardently that it seems as though he’s trying to breathe his love into me. I could get used to this.

  I know I don’t answer because she rephrases the question. “Did you ever talk to Grayson about Willowhaven?”

  I involuntarily flinch and pick at the yogurt and fruit in my cup. “Not really.”

  “So he didn’t know about Dean?”

  “I mentioned it once or twice, but I never made it a topic for open discussion.” I shrug.

  She nods like she understands, but she disapproves. “Did you worry that he would think you loved Dean more?”

  “What kind of a question is that?” I sputter.

  “I take that as a yes.” She purses her lips and points her spoon at me. “The question now remains: do you know the answer to that question?”

  “What question? There is no question.”

  “Who did you love more? Or who do you love more? It’s possible to be in present tense.”

  I’m about to rip out her throat when her eyes shift over my shoulder as someone walks into the yogurt shop. I look back to see Aiden Ballard and some girl I don’t know walk through the door.

  “Her, really?” Alix hisses.

  “What?” I look between Aiden and Alix. “What am I missing?”

  Aiden notices us then. When he realizes I’m the one with Alix his eyes jump with surprise, and then he smiles his big goofy grin.

  “Sawyer?” He begins to walk over and Alix stiffens.

  I stand, and he reaches for me to give him a hug. “Hey, Aiden.”

  He pulls me in tight for a classic Aiden hug, leaving no breathing room. “Wow. It’s been a long time. You look good.”

  “Thanks.”

  He must be lying through his teeth. I pull back to offer a tiny smile. His eyes drift up and down my body, but not in a seductive way. He looks as though he barely recognizes me. I feel that way when I look in the mirror, too.

  “You, too,” I say. He’s filled out. Once the scrawny acne-faced one of the group, Aiden has transformed into an incredibly good-looking grown man. I hardly recognize him without his long blond hair. He’s keeping it cropped short now.

  “What’s up, Alix?” Aiden says playfully, as if he’s toying her with his words.

  “Aiden.” Alix tries to sound bored, and I know there’s a story that I must pry out of her as soon as he’s gone.

  “So, you ladies just grabbing some yogurt? Why aren’t you at the Sole Fest?”

  “We stopped by already, conquered, and left,” Alix says, saving me.

  He nods. “After we grab some yogurt we’re headed over.” The blonde with him steps forward. “Oh, man, sorry. Priscilla, this is Alix and Sawyer—some of my good friends from high school. Ladies, this is Priscilla.”

  I reach out my hand because I can see Alix is not going to make one smidge of effort. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “You too.” She smiles, but I see the uncomfortable lining in the way her lips form. Her face looks pinched.

  There’s an awkward pause before Aiden says, “Well, you ladies enjoy your evening. I’ll see you around. Sawyer, it’s really good to have you back.”

  “Thanks, Aiden. It was really good to see you.” After I say it, I realize I actually mean it. I’ve always liked Aiden. On days when Dean had to miss school, Aiden would step in to open my doors and escort me from class to class. Sometimes he’d carry my books for me. He’d tell off Josh Duncan when he’d make catcalls or inappropriate comments about me and threaten Josh with what Dean would do to him if he knew what went on when he wasn’t around. He was the overprotective brother when my own couldn’t be there.

  “Alix.” He dips his head forward as if he were tipping a hat. She responds with a smug smile.

  Priscilla and Aiden wave and head over to the yogurt machines.

  “Priscilla?” Alix mocks under her breath. “What kind of a name is that anyway?”

  “Shhh…” I say with a chuckle, widening my eyes at her. Alix’s quiet comment wasn’t exactly as quiet as she thought. Priscilla glances over her shoulder at us with a confused expression.

  “Whatever,” Alix mumbles.

  “You better spill,” I whisper, scraping the bottom of my yogurt cup. “Or I’m going to pry it out of you with my bare hands.”

  She shakes her head once, signaling that she won’t tell me while they are within earshot.

  After a few minutes, they walk out with their frozen yogurt and one last wave. Aiden lets Priscilla leave first and then winks at Alix.

  She grunts and rolls her eyes as she pointlessly scrapes an empty yogurt cup.

  “What in the world have you been keeping from me? You and Aiden?”

  Alix sighs exaggeratedly and gets up. I smirk, following close behind and throw away my cup.

  We’re in her car before she answers me. “Aiden went away to college for a few years. When he came back he looked like that.” Her eyebrows rise. “Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.” I nod, agreeing. He’s really handsome now. “We ran into one another a few months back at Dallas’s. We hung out. Then stopped. And that’s about it.”

  “Oh shut up. That is not about it.”

  “So we kissed a little bit and whatever. It’s over. Onto the next.” She lifts her shoulders, and I know it’s far from over.

  “That did not look over. He was totally messing with you.”

  “Exactly. Acne-faced Aiden grew a cocky confidence in college and Grounded Alix isn’t having any of it.”

  “Grounded?” I laugh. “Oh. Come. On. And Aiden is anything but cocky. So he’s grown some facial hair and confidence. He was the same old Aiden. I could tell he likes you.”

  “Yeah, well, he’s also a two-timer. So, there’s that.”

  “He cheated on you?” My anger rises and disappointment in Aiden flourishes. “You guys were that serious? You guys were exclusive?”

  “Well.” She rolls her eyes. “Technically, no. But we went out to lunch one day, and that night I saw him with Bridget Dalton. He couldn’t pick a separate day to take her out?”

  I bite my lips to keep from laughing. Alix couldn’t stand Aiden in high school, and here she is consumed by thoughts of him with another girl. “You like him, Felix. Why didn’t you just tell him you wanted to be exclusive?”

  She rolls her eyes again and exhales. “I shouldn’t have to ask. He shouldn’t want to be with anyone else when he’s with me.”

  I laugh, but rein it in when she shoots me a death glare. “I won’t dispute that, but I will say men are idiots. Sometimes you have to beat the
m upside the head before they know what you want. Maybe he didn’t think you would want to be exclusive. You’re Alix Fink. He couldn’t get you to look his way for anything in high school.”

  “Shut up,” she mutters. “That is so untrue.”

  She pulls into my driveway. “Just a thought,” I say.

  “Well, it’s a stupid thought,” she mutters again.

  I shrug and hop out of the car. “Truth sucks, don’t it?”

  Her exaggerated eye roll nearly plows me down. “He’ll have to get over himself before I ever give him the time of day again.”

  “Or maybe you’ll just have to hop off your high horse. It’ll hurt a lot more to fall from it.”

  “Who says I have a horse to get up on in the first place?” Her attitude shines through her eyes and I laugh, but then I catch myself. It feels disrespectful to laugh, to be happy.

  “Bye, Felix.”

  She smirks as if she knows why I stopped and pulls out of my driveway.

  DEAN

  “HEY,” AIDEN SAYS when he walks into the garage early Monday morning. It’s not a greeting. It’s an intro to a conversation I know I want to avoid. I don’t get a chance to reply before he’s already diving in. “Why didn’t you tell me Sawyer was back in town?”

  Yup. I knew that was coming. Exhaling, I shrug and avoid eye contact, polishing the chrome on the Harley I’ve been working on. “I figured everyone had heard by now,” I lie, but it isn’t far from the truth.

  “That’s a huge load of dookie and you know it. I can’t believe you knew she was back and didn’t say anything.”

  I laugh. “Did you really just say ‘dookie’?”

  “Yeah. I did. Why didn’t you say something?” he presses.

  I rub my eyes with my clean hand. “I have yet to really talk to her. She takes off every chance I get. I didn’t know what to tell you.”

  “You could have said, ‘Hey, Aiden, Sawyer’s back in town.”

  He knows exactly why I didn’t say anything. I have nothing to say about it. I shake my head and return to polishing.

  “Is it true what everyone is saying about her husband?”

  I suck in a breath and nod without looking up. “I don’t know exactly what happened, but yeah, he died. I know that much is true.”

  “That’s messed up.”

  “I know.” I can’t look at him, though I feel his eyes burning holes into the side of my head. He won’t be finished with the conversation until he’s asked every last question, and I don’t want to talk about it with him. I already know what he’s going to say.

  “So what’s your move? What are you going to do?”

  And that’s exactly why I didn’t tell him. I level a stare at him to keep him from going there and then return to brush in circles. Of course, my glare isn’t enough to keep him from touching the subject. “She’s back, and you’re not going to do a thing about it?”

  Dropping my hand from the bike, I sigh heavily. “What am I supposed to do, Aiden? She just lost her husband and, as far as she knows, I left because I didn’t want her anymore. We’re not going there. Forget it. Don’t even try.”

  “That’s such a wuss move.”

  “Respecting my relationship with Lily is a wuss move? Being a gentleman and giving Sawyer space is a wuss move?”

  “Fine. Give her a little bit of time, and then make it right. She’s back, man. Are you really telling me you’re going to let her slip away again? I’ve seen you moping around ever since I moved back home almost a year ago. A year. So, it’s obviously been going on for a lot longer. Make it right, Dean.”

  “I’ve got Lily now.”

  He snorts. “You and I both know Lily is only a replacement.” I glare at him because she’s my girlfriend, and I care about her. His hands rise in surrender when he knows he’s being a thoughtless prick. “I don’t mean any disrespect, but you can’t sit here and tell me that you can stay with Lily knowing Sawyer is finally back home.”

  I shake my head. “I’m not going to break things off with Lily because Sawyer has returned, dude. It may not make sense to you, but I love Lily. I know you’re not completely wrong, but it’s not right to hurt Lily like that. I won’t do it. And, c’mon, even if I did do that, Sawyer’s husband has only been gone for a few months. She’s not ready.”

  “So you’ll stay in a hopeless relationship because you don’t want to hurt Lil?” he says.

  I shrug because I don’t want to get into this with him right now. I don’t want to have to explain myself, or the relationship I have with Lily, to him.

  “You’ve got to work out your crap, bro.” His index finger is pointing at me and I’m this close to reaching out and breaking the dang thing off. “I’m not going to sit here and watch you lose Sawyer again because you’re too scared to finally take what belongs to you.”

  “Let it go, Aiden,” I answer sharply. “I’ll figure it out.”

  “Good. Because I’m tired of seeing your sulky, sorry face. It’s getting pathetic.” I chuck my rag at him, and he bats it away with laugh. “Win her back, my friend. You two were made for each other.”

  I grunt out a laugh, but earnestly ask, “What if I can’t?”

  “Then at least you can say you tried. You didn’t brood in your garage while she found someone else to bring her back to life.”

  My chest sinks at the thought. “She looked different to you, too, huh?”

  Aiden nods his head solemnly, looking toward the ground. “I hardly recognized her, man. She’s still just as gorgeous, but that spark that made her the Sawyer we both remember is gone.”

  I nod knowingly. “Every time I see her it hurts. Not just because she’s not mine. It hurts to see that the life in her eyes is completely gone.”

  “So, bring it back,” he urges, as if it’s that easy. As if nothing could be simpler.

  “She hates me, Aiden.”

  “Then give her time. Doesn’t time heal all wounds? Just don’t wait too long. Before you know it, some other Grayson is going to sweep in and steal her all over again, and you won’t get a second chance this time. You’re not going to be able to replace that one, Dean.”

  “Trust me,” I grunt. “I’m well aware of that fact.” I tried. Several times.

  “I’m sure you are. I forgave you for walking out on all of us all those years ago, but you didn’t see what it did to Sawyer. If you want to make it right, you’ve got to start now. It’s going to take a lot of time.”

  “I had valid reasons for leaving.”

  “I understand why you left, but she doesn’t. I don’t think it was the right decision, but that doesn’t matter now. None of that changes the fact that you have to make it right.”

  Everything he says makes sense. I get it. But the loyal side of my heart knows I can’t disrespect Lily. She’s stuck around for everything even though she knew the reason I came home in the first place. How could I be so cold and drop her? I care too much about her to be that heartless.

  My dad’s grave is bare. Headstones surround his, filled with flags and flowers and pinwheels left by loved ones, while his remains as lonely as his life.

  I kneel down in front of it, running my fingers over his full name—Joseph Dean Preston 1961-2009. That’s all it says. Did anyone go to his funeral? Did they have one, or was he simply buried? I break down. It’s the strangest feeling—mourning the loss of someone I never even liked. But he was my dad. He was the only family I had left. Why did you leave me all by myself? Now I’m officially alone. The finality of it hits me and sends me spiraling. I did this. I brought this on myself. My fists pound the headstone settled in the soil until they sting.

  “Dean?” A voice shoots me up onto my feet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  I spin around to see Lily Jamison standing behind me with uncertainty in her shoulders. Her eyes turn down with concern. Swiftly, I rub my hands across my cheeks. Embarrassment flushes my face as I exhale and look away with my jaw clenched.

&n
bsp; “Hey, Lily,” I murmur.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I couldn’t believe it was actually you. I was visiting my grandparents’ grave and saw you. You’re back.” She pauses, but when I don’t say anything, she continues cautiously. “It’s okay to be upset, you know. It must suck to come back to find everyone you love is gone.”

  My gaze shoots to her. The look in my eyes must scare her because she flinches.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to overstep,” she mumbles.

  “It’s fine.” I shake my head and run the back of my hand under my nose. “Stop apologizing.”

  She nods. “Okay.”

  “He’s been gone for three months, and I didn’t have a single clue. I didn’t even come back because I heard about his death. Makes me a pretty lousy son, huh?”

  She presses her lips together and shakes her head. “No one knew how to get a hold of you. How would you have known?”

  “If I hadn’t left in the first place,” I mutter under my breath. It’s more for my benefit than for hers.

  “You obviously had a reason for leaving. You wanna talk about it? I’m a great listener.”

  Shaking my head, I begin to walk away without saying anything else when she reaches out to touch my arm. Her fingers latch on to me, stopping me. I lift my gaze to hers, and the compassion in her eyes keeps me in place. “It’s probably the last thing you feel like doing, but I’m here if you want. I wouldn’t mind.”

  I consider her words, but I have no intention of talking to her about this. When I asked Alix for help, she didn’t want anything to do with me. Why would Lily? “Thanks,” I say, stepping out of her grasp and walk away.

  “I mean it, you know?” she calls out.

  I nod without turning back.

  SAWYER

  ALIX TOLD ME my nails were atrocious. Yes, she actually said atrocious. So she made us nail appointments and told me to meet her in town since she was already running errands. I wait for her on a wooden bench near Timberpond Park downtown.

  I spent another couple of weeks holed up in my parents’ house after the Sole Festival. It probably would have benefitted me to get up earlier this morning to search for a job since I’m obviously not making any progress, but the motivation isn’t there. I don’t know where to find that motivation. How do people ever move on after things like this happen? Where do they find solace? I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and sleep. Sleep is painless. The problem with sleeping is waking up.