Me After You Read online

  “I won’t lie to you, Dean. I don’t understand why you’re friends with Josh. You’re nothing like him.”

  Dean shrugs, but I can see my comment bothers him, so I try to smooth it out. “I just mean, he’s always high or drunk or asking for trouble, and you… aren’t. How did you become friends with him?”

  “We get each other, Jack. He’s got my back. I promise he’s not all bad. Things just aren’t easy for him.”

  “Doesn’t mean you have to be friends with him. He doesn’t seem like the best company to keep around.” I worry about Dean. He doesn’t need to get mixed up with something because of Josh. Who knows what illegal shenanigans Josh is involved in?

  “Life’s not all rainbows and butterflies, Sawyer. Our world isn’t like yours.” The shift in Dean’s tone makes me wince.

  “Well, that’s a little unfair, don’t you think? Just because life sucks doesn’t mean he has to be such a jerk.”

  “You shouldn’t go poking your nose into things you don’t understand,” he snaps.

  “Dean, I didn’t mean to make you mad. I just don’t think Josh—“

  “Just leave it alone, Sawyer!”

  He swears and kicks the dirt. His eyes are heated. His pupils dilate, covering every green inch of his irises.

  I can’t help recoiling. He’s never yelled at me before. Sure, we’ve been in fights, but they were merely mild disagreements, slightly heated debates, not knockdown, drag-out screaming matches.

  In an instant, his countenance changes. His shoulders sag, and before I can say anything, he turns and walks away. I try to follow him, but he disappears into the crowd. I search everywhere for him, but he’s gone.

  He never did explain to me why I made him so angry. I remember when he finally came back to me after that, though. It wasn’t that night or the next day. In fact, Dean ignored me all weekend. I tried texting him and calling him, but I never got a reply. I tried going over to his house, but no one answered. It wasn’t as if I expected them to. His dad rarely ever showed his face when we were at his house. Why would he answer for me now?

  It wasn’t until Monday after school that I saw Dean. He ditched all of his classes, and I was getting more than a little worried. What if something actually happened to him? It wasn’t like him to disappear. I remember worrying that I pushed him over the edge.

  Dean’s leaning back against the driver’s side of my car in the school parking lot, his arms folded across his chest. A black baseball cap covers his hair with little flips of the brunette locks resting on top of his ears. When he sees me he stands up straight and his arms drop to his sides. I think about ignoring him and giving him the cold shoulder. He put me through hell this weekend. If something happened to him, how would I have known? There wouldn’t have been anyone to tell me. I should make him suffer for it. But I’m so grateful he’s okay I run up to him and throw my arms around his neck.

  He sucks in a deep, surprised breath and forms his soft lips to the bare skin at the nape of my neck. “I’m so sorry, Jack.” He presses little kisses over and over on my skin and I tremble.

  I shake my head and hold him tighter, reaching my hands all the way around to my elbows. “I don’t care. I’m just so grateful you’re okay.” I place one hand on the back of his neck, brushing down the hair peaking out of his cap. The need to take care of him consumes me. He has no one to take care of him.

  “I thought you would hate me.” Dean pulls back and looks down into my eyes. The tips of his fingers stroke my waist as he holds me away from him.

  “Hate you? Even if I wanted to hate you, my heart wouldn’t give me that choice. You’re stuck with me.”

  The corner of his mouth turns up in a half smile, but he sobers. “I shouldn’t have freaked out like that. It was wrong of me. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  I nod. “I get it. I don’t understand the relationship you have with Josh. I over stepped.”

  He shakes his head. “No. It doesn’t excuse what I did. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I yelled at you.”

  “It’s okay, Dean.”

  “I’ve been trying to gain the courage to come talk to you for days. I thought you’d never forgive me.”

  The tips of my fingers brush his cheek as I cradle his face in my hand. “Have a little more faith in me than that. It’d take a lot more to scare me than one glimpse of a little temper.” I smirk.

  He moves the bill of his hat to the back of his head and leans in to kiss my lips. “You know I love you.”

  “I do,” I say against his lips. “But don’t shut me out again, okay? I was really worried about you.”

  “Never,” he whispers and forms his mouth to mine.

  Lily takes care of him now. Does she take good care of him? Is he happy? I don’t know why I’m still worrying about him. He’s a grown man. He can take care of himself. But even after all we’ve been through, it would be comforting to know he’s not being neglected. He’s had enough of that in his life. Even through my resentment I can still see he deserves more.

  I dim the lights in the bathroom and shuffle across the tile floor to light some aromatherapy candles, then sink under the warm water to try and forget. The heat relaxes my muscles while the soft music calms my mind. I let my head lie back against the porcelain and breathe.

  In.

  Out.

  In.

  Out.

  “You know, as much as eloping sounded tempting I’m really glad we didn’t.” I brush my toes against Grayson’s at the end of the tub. Sinking lower in the water, the bubbles tickle my chin.

  “Yeah? Why’s that?”

  “I think my mom would have killed me. Or you when she found out it was your idea.”

  He chuckles, and I feel it ripple down my back. “Hey now, it was only my idea because I thought that’s what you would have wanted.”

  “It was.” My head falls back against his bare shoulder. Eloping would have been easier. So much easier. But it was too impulsive. It wouldn’t have been right. I didn’t want to elope for the right reasons. “But today was perfect. Having our families and friends there made it feel official and… right. You know?”

  “It was right. I can’t imagine having anyone else by my side today but you.” His nose brushes up and down the length of my neck.

  A twinge lurches my heart when Dean’s face flashes in my mind. I smash that box closed as swiftly as I can, but it’s not fast enough. The pain of losing him and what could have been ours hasn’t ebbed.

  If I agree with Grayson, it will be a lie. I tilt my head back to kiss his smooth jaw. His head tilts down in my direction. His hazel eyes glide deliberately slow over my face, and I wonder if it’s physically possible to melt away because his penetrating gaze paralyzes my body. His eyes end their memorization on mine, so full of love and desire. I hate myself for loving Dean. I decide, once and for all, to douse that old flame because Grayson was the one by my side today. He is the one I am with. He is the one doing everything in his power to make me happy. I will love the one I am with.

  All right. Hastily, I rise from the bathtub, splashing water on the tile floor. Not even some candles, Enya, and bubbles can relax me. When it’s not one, it’s the other. Dean and Grayson will haunt me forever. My mind never gets a chance to shut them off. But I know that can’t be right. My mind isn’t on constant Grayson and Dean mode. So when do I have relief? When do they leave me alone?

  Sprinkles. When I bake, they take a break to sit back and watch me work. As most men do when a woman is hard at work in the kitchen. The irony is not lost on me. So, I throw on some pajamas and head for the kitchen.

  “Did you not get enough of your kitchen at work, sweet girl?” My dad is sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop open in front of him. I imagine, now that he’s retired, he’s searching for a new set of golf clubs. What is it with old guys and golf anyway? They have so much time on their hands they want to spend it doing the most boring, time consuming sport ever?

  “Baking calms me. D
o you have any requests?”

  “Taking orders? Hmm. This works for me. I’ll make it simple on you. Chocolate chip cookies?”

  “I can work with that.”

  An hour later, I’ve made at least three-dozen cookies, and the kitchen is a disaster.

  I don’t notice Mom until I hear her talking to Dad. “She says baking helps,” Dad whispers as if he thinks I can’t hear him.

  As I’m pulling another batch of cookies out of the oven, Mom walks over to me. “Can I help?”

  “If you want to load the next cookie sheet, you’re welcome to.”

  She nods, attempting to stifle a smile as we work alongside each other until every last cookie is baked. The only problem is, I have no idea what I’m going to do with nearly forty cookies.

  Aside from eating every last one.

  DEAN

  I DRAPE MY arm over Lily’s shoulder as we walk toward the movie theater in downtown Willowhaven. She leans her head in the crook of my shoulder and tucks her hand in my back pocket.

  “I ran into Josh down by the post office today. I know you really care about him, so I tried being polite, but he didn’t even acknowledge me. He walked right past me.”

  He probably was too hopped up on whatever he’s on to care about anyone or anything around him. I hum a response because I don’t have much to tell her.

  “I don’t know how you can be friends with someone who has such a disregard for everyone and everything around him—someone who has such a lack of respect for themselves. I don’t like him, Dean.” Lily says, relieved to get the truth off her chest. “There, I said it.”

  She doesn’t realize I already know this. I don’t care what she has to say about him. I’ve had it with her inability to accept anyone different than her. “Lil, I know, and whatever you think about Josh doesn’t matter to me. To be honest, I’m tired of you constantly shooting him down. You don’t know him. He’s had it worse off than anyone in this town. So, just lay off, will you?”

  Shards of glass coat the kitchen floor—the mug my mom gave my dad for his last birthday before she left no longer usable. I look up at Josh, and his eyes are panicked. The TV goes quiet—my dad must have muted it. I grab a broom from the cupboard and race to start sweeping it up. I don’t know if he’ll be more upset that I broke the mug or that I made a mess.

  “Boy!” my dad hollers from the TV room, and I shrink. “What did you just break?”

  I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to tell him. So, I remain silent, hoping he’ll let it go, but I’m not that lucky. Life isn’t that kind to me.

  The sound of the recliner latching back into place races my pulse. He’s coming. I move quicker, sweeping the broken pieces into a pile. I feel his figure hovering behind me in the archway of the kitchen entrance so I turn. Ignoring him will make it worse.

  “Is that my mug?” His voice is steely as he points to the ground littered with broken glass.

  “Yes, sir,” I reply quietly and swallow.

  “You stupid moron! What made you think it was a good idea to get that mug? That’s not yours to touch!” He towers over Josh and me. His eyes dart to the broom in my hand. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice? You trying to hide the evidence?” He’s shouting, and I don’t know how to make him stop. I wish Josh wasn’t here to listen to him yell. I’m used to his yelling. That’s how he communicates, but he’s different this time. Rage burns in his eyes.

  His arm reels back to take a swing, and I shut my eyes, but the hit never comes. I hear his fist connect with flesh, but it’s not mine. I open my eyes to see Josh hunched over in front of me. My dad’s eyes widen when he realizes he didn’t hit me.

  My dad gasps, speechless, unsure where to go from here. He grunts but doesn’t make another comment before he trudges away. I hear the slam of his bedroom door and let out the breath I was holding.

  “Why did you do that, Josh?” I hiss. “You shouldn’t have stepped in front of me. It should have been me.”

  “I’m used to it.” He wipes the blood from his face with the back of his hand. “Your old man doesn’t normally hit you, does he?”

  I shake my head. “Not a lot, no.”

  He shrugs. “Happens to me every day.”

  He always tried to protect me. “Until you’ve stepped in his shoes, you have no place to judge him or my decision to be friends with him.”

  Lily stops us on the sidewalk and peers up at me. Her hand reaches up and brushes hair from my forehead. “I’m sorry. You’re right.” She licks her lips, a nervous habit of hers. “I won’t say anything ever again.”

  “Thank you,” I sigh.

  “I really am sorry, Dean.” She’s speaking as if she regrets saying it because it made me angry, not because she’s actually sorry.

  I say it’s fine, but I want to be off the topic. I steer her toward the ticket line so we can get into this movie and take my mind off it all.

  I’ve been working on getting over the past, moving past the life that my dad created for us. And it’s so freaking hard to do that when all Lily does is remind me of it. She doesn’t realize what she does, but if I tell her to lay off she’ll question me further, want more details, so desperate to save me.

  But I don’t need to be saved. I’ve already been saved. The thought of Sawyer alive in this world saves me every day.

  SAWYER

  “I HAVE BEEN dying to see this movie for months,” Alix says as we walk into the movie theater lobby. “When I first saw the trailer in April it was one of those that I thought, ‘I will go to the theater by myself if I have to.’ And you know how much I loathe that idea.”

  “Good thing I’m here to save you from social suicide. Heaven forbid you go to the movies alone.”

  “I’m not above it,” she counters. “I would just prefer not to. Watching movies alone isn’t nearly as fun.”

  “Well, you’re in luck today.”

  Alix and I find a couple of seats toward the middle of the theater. We’ve made it in time for the previews, which, for me, are half the entertainment in going to the movies.

  Once we’re seated, popcorn starts flying over the seat, piece by piece, like snow falling all around us. Alix and I share a look. Then one pegs her in the temple, and her head swings back so fast she almost looks possessed. I turn in the same direction and see Aiden a few rows up, grinning from ear to ear, popping the white kernels into his mouth as he smacks his gums.

  “Fancy meeting you ladies here.”

  “Couldn’t you have found another theater to terrorize?” Alix hisses.

  Aiden chuckles soundlessly. “Sadly, no,” he replies. “This is the only theater that allows my behavior—encourages it actually.”

  Someone in the theater shushes us.

  I notice a new girl sitting beside him. A redhead this time. No Priscilla in sight. She’s looking down at the phone illuminating her face, ignoring him and us.

  “Nice date. She looks super attentive,” Alix remarks.

  “We keep each other company.” He shrugs with mischief in his eyes, aiming his comment at Alix.

  The redhead looks up at that moment, as if she just realized there’s a world around her. “Shelly, do you know Alix and Sawyer?” Aiden asks.

  “I don’t think I do. Nice to meet you girls.” She waves. She’s got a strong Southern accent. So strong, in fact, that it’s hard to understand what she says.

  “You should probably pay more attention to your date, Aiden. You’re boring her already, and the movie hasn’t even started yet,” Alix says.

  “Who says we came here to be entertained by a movie?” I hear his insinuation. It can’t be lost on Alix, and I can only imagine how Shelly must feel. Hopefully she knows he’s just trying to razz Alix.

  Aiden and Alix continue their quiet bickering, but my eyes zero in past Alix’s shoulder, on a couple entering the theater, walking slowly down the dark aisle with the faint floor lighting revealing their faces. They both search the theater for seats. Thankfully, the
y haven’t spotted us yet. Dean’s eyes come close to our row, and I sink lower into my seat to remain undetected. Just before he’s about to discover us, Lily grabs his hand, leading him to a couple of seats in the back corner.

  I don’t realize I’m grabbing Alix’s leg until she hisses, “Ouch! What the crap, Sawyer?”

  Her eyes follow my line of sight over her left shoulder and then she turns back to me.

  “Is it…? We can go,” she whispers. “We don’t have to stay.”

  I hate that I want to accept her offer. Alix really wants to see this movie, but I can’t stand the thought of being enclosed in the same room as them for two straight hours. Leaving, though, also means walking past them. There’s only one exit.

  She decides for me. “We’ll go. C’mon.” Taking my hand, she pulls me from my seat.

  “Oh c’mon, Alix. I didn’t scare you off, did I?” Aiden’s not loud, but it’s loud enough that Dean and Lily could have heard him.

  “Shut it, Ballard,” Alix snaps over her shoulder as she leads us down the row.

  We walk up the aisle and out of the theater. I don’t pay any attention to them. I don’t let my eyes wander. I’m not sure if they saw us leave or not, but I don’t care. As soon as we walk out of the theater and into the open air, I feel like I can breathe again.

  “Better?” she asks.

  I nod and exhale. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. I would have made you stay, but there was this look of terror in your eyes. You okay?”

  “I will be.” My arms find solace across my chest.

  Alix sighs as if she’s trying to figure out what we should do now. “Sleepover?” she questions. “I’m pretty sure it’s time. It’s been over six years, and you owe me a movie. Maybe two to make up for missing that one.”

  “Only if the sleepover includes buttery popcorn and loads of candy.”