Me After You Read online

  “Nah, I was just getting some fresh air.” She looks behind her with a look of uncertainty in her eyes. It’s possible that she regrets coming here. But I can see something is bothering her. Flat-out asking her won’t go well. She doesn’t work that way. When she wants to talk about it, she will.

  “Take a breather then.” I sit down on the top porch step and pat the seat next to me. I’m pleasantly surprised when she accepts.

  “I love this time of year,” she sighs. “When the nights have cooled down enough so that you can be outside without it being too hot or too cold. It’s the perfect weather for walking.”

  It felt a little cold to me, but I agree anyway. “It is a nice night.” We watch the sun in a comfortable silence as it begins its descent, painting the sky a pinkish-orange. If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine that the last six years never happened, and we’re back to the way it was always supposed to be. Whatever wars are raging in my head quiet down when I have Sawyer by my side.

  I hear her breathing and feel the tension wafting off of her, but it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with me. She exhales. It’s coming.

  “People don’t really know how he died.” She pauses and touches her fingertips to her lips. “It was internal bleeding.”

  There it is.

  “They knew not even surgery could fix it. Too many vital organs were damaged. He would have died on the table. His body wasn’t found fast enough after the attack. If it had, they might have been able to save him. I fought with the doctor for like ten minutes. He finally snapped at me and told me I could argue with him or spend the last few minutes I could with Grayson.” She swallows. “He drew his last breath during our last conversation.”

  I keep silent because I can’t speak. If I open my mouth, I might cry, and I haven’t done that in years. I have to stay strong for Sawyer.

  “Did you know it wasn’t supposed to be him?” She pauses, peering over at me from under her thick black eyelashes. I can tell she’s not really asking me, because I don’t know what she’s referring to. Her hands run up and down her arms anxiously before she looks down at her feet resting on the wooden steps. “They beat up the wrong guy. The guy who they meant to beat up lost in a game of poker and didn’t pay up. The other guys were too drunk to really recognize him, but they saw Grayson and thought he was their guy.” She lifts her eyes slightly and stares off with an emptiness I crave to fill.

  “Sawyer,” I breathe.

  “He shouldn’t have died,” she says blankly, like she’s not feeling what she says. I know if she felt the words she would drown and maybe never surface. “They got the wrong guy.”

  “That’s… I… I’m so sorry.” I grit my teeth, clenching my jaw so tightly as if that will fight off the tears. I want to reach out and touch her so badly. She carries this pain with her every day. I want to hold her and make it all go away.

  She takes a breath. “I know there’s a reason for everything, but I can’t figure out why it had to happen to him. He was everything good in this world.” She pauses. “Is it my fault? Because I was never supposed to leave Willowhaven? Fate was pushing me back here and losing him was the only way I’d do it? Or was it my punishment for…” she chokes on her words, shaking her head, unable to finish.

  “No. Stop it.” I grab her shoulders and force her to look me in the eyes. Her eyes are filled with tears. I wipe them away with the back of my fingers as they fall down her cheeks. “Sometimes bad things happen to good people. It’s not a punishment. It’s not fate. It just happens. And it sucks, but we can either let it bring us down and consume us, or we can learn from it. It can make us stronger.”

  “When?” she whispers, her wet eyes search mine for answers I can’t give. I want to kiss her so badly it hurts. I want to heal her with my touch, to bring her back to life. It’s the only way I know how. “When will it make me stronger?”

  “With time,” is all I can give her.

  “I’m through with time. I want to be stronger now.”

  “You are strong. Don’t you see?” I shake her shoulders, urging her to understand. “After everything that has happened to you, you’re still breathing. You talk about being broken, but you’re not broken, Sawyer. You have a few scars. That’s all. I’ve seen the transformation you’ve made in the last few months. I know it hasn’t been easy, but you’ve done it.” I motion my hand between us. “Even now. Would you have been able to tell me that all those months ago?”

  Her head shakes back and forth, and the light that I’ve been waiting so long to see starts to flicker faintly in the depths of her dark brown eyes. My hope grows.

  “You are stronger than you know. You have to start believing it.”

  “When life keeps knocking you down it’s hard to believe anything,” she utters.

  “You have to know that I understand that,” I urge. “I understand that more than anyone.”

  “Then you have to know losing someone like that can destroy a person.” She turns her gaze away from me. “I’ve lost too much to be as strong as I once was.”

  “You’ve survived, Sawyer. You’ve continued on with your life. You’ve picked up the pieces and carried on. That’s what makes you strong, even if you don’t feel it.” She’s so close to me. All I need to do is lean closer and her lips would be mine. It hits me then that she doesn’t know how I felt about her when I left. She doesn’t know how much I wish I could take it all back.

  “Sawyer—”

  “I’m going to head home,” she cuts me off. It’s obvious she cut me off on purpose, so I hold my tongue. “It’s a long walk back. I should probably start now.” She stands, brushing away the tears and wiping them on her shorts as she walks down the steps.

  I shake my head and get to my feet. “Let me take you home. It’s getting cold, and it’ll be dark soon. You shouldn’t be walking that far in the dark.”

  “I’ll be fine, Dean,” she attempts to reassure me. “I like walking.”

  “I wasn’t asking you. Let me get the keys to my truck.”

  It surprises me that she doesn’t fight me. She nods and waits at the bottom of the steps for me to come back. On the drive over, we don’t say anything, but the silence doesn’t drag. It almost feels the way it used to. Sawyer looks out her rolled down window, the wind blowing her waves back. Her smooth jawline is more flawless than I remember. I’m grateful her eyes are focused in the other direction, giving me the opportunity to really take her in. Though her appearance is the same, the curves of her features have subtle changes, matured changes. She’s not the girl I fell in love with. She’s a woman now. A woman who lost that girl somewhere along the way.

  I put my truck in park when we get to her driveway.

  “Thanks for listening,” she says to the floor before she peers over at me from across the bench. “I haven’t really been able to talk about it with anyone. I don’t know why I felt like I could talk about it with you.”

  I reach over with the possibility that she’ll brush me off and touch my hand to her arm. She tenses, but she doesn’t pull away. I’ve missed the touch of her soft skin. “I’m really glad you did. I miss talking to you.”

  Her eyes trail from my hand touching her and back to my eyes. Our eyes hold their stare for a short moment, but all I need is that moment. I can tell what she’s thinking before she immediately grabs the door handle and briskly utters, “I have to go.”

  She’s out of the car before I can reply or attempt to stop her.

  SAWYER

  I’M SO STUPID. My head shakes as if that will clear it from my ridiculous thoughts of him—thoughts of actually kissing him. Ugh! I disgust myself. I can’t do this with him again. He doesn’t want me in that way. Why am I letting myself feel for him again?

  I hear Dean’s car door open and slam shut. “Sawyer,” he calls. “Sawyer, wait!” But I don’t. The only thought raging through my head is that I have to keep moving. Don’t turn around. Don’t you dare turn around, Sawyer. I nearly reach the steps up to
my house when he grabs my hand. “Sawyer, please,” he pleads.

  I turn to him, knowing I’ll regret it, but I don’t have it in me to resist him right now. He doesn’t let me go. He holds tighter to my hand, curling his fingers around mine, fitting the contours perfectly. I don’t know what it is about the feel of my hand in his, how it can be the simplest gesture and yet the most intimate. I never want him to let go again.

  “I regret leaving every day,” he breathes. “Leaving you was the worst decision I’ve ever made. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it all back.”

  Lies. That’s what he does. I have to remind myself of that when he looks at me the way he’s looking at me now. The tears start to form in my chest, drowning the oxygen. “Dean, I can’t do this with you.” I beg with my eyes for him to go, to stop while we still can, though everything inside of me is begging me to shut up. I can’t think with his hand touching mine. He holds on tighter as if he couldn’t survive if he let me go. The contact is more than I can bear.

  He shakes his head, and his eyes change. I know this change. I’m all too familiar with this change. How can I possibly deny him? They fill with need and tenderness as he steps closer with resolution. His mouth covers mine, and I don’t stop him. His hands cradle my face as the tears start to prick my eyes. I don’t know how to explain that this kiss is both painful and alleviating. Cracks start to fill and break all over again with each passing second.

  He sucks in a heavy breath and deepens the kiss, thrusting his hands behind my neck, tilting my face even closer. My hands rest on his chest, pushing him away and clenching his shirt, unable to entertain the thought of letting him out of my grasp. I want it to end and last forever. But I can’t let this happen. There’s too much between us. So much that hasn’t been said. So much that will ruin us. And as much as I don’t understand it, I care about Lily’s feelings.

  I push him and stumble back. “I can’t.” My head shakes at the ground. “I can’t do this again.”

  “Sawyer, please,” he begs, reaching for my waist, but I maneuver out of his grasp. “Sawyer.” There’s a trembling in his voice that I nearly give into. I don’t look back as I rush for the front door and close it behind me. I collapse on the cold wooden floor, letting the tears take over me.

  ***

  “He did what?” Alix freaks, and I have to pull the phone away from my ear.

  I hiss out a sigh as I pace my room. After waking up the next morning, the realization of what happened the night before comes crashing down on me. “I know. I know. I don’t need a lecture to top off the guilt and shame. I just don’t know what to do now.”

  “I just… I can’t… Did he… I mean, I knew…”

  “Alix!”

  “Okay. Okay,” she amends. “I knew this was coming. I just didn’t realize how soon it would happen. What did you do?”

  The feel of his lips on mine invades my thoughts, their gentle eagerness consuming me. I break the connection and breathe. “I started to cry and shoved him away before running inside my house.”

  “Abort. Good tactic. I probably would have done the same thing.”

  “Felix, this isn’t helping.” I attempt to stifle my chuckle.

  “Well, I have you laughing, so I’d say it’s a success. You needed to calm the heck down.”

  “Me? You’re the one screaming in my ear and having difficulty finishing your sentences.”

  “I’m fine now. I can function in this conversation. When did this happen?”

  “Last night. I went over to his house and talked to him about Grayson. We had a moment—a stupid freaking moment of weakness. He told me leaving here was the worst decision he ever made.” I sigh and fall back on my bed with the phone attached to my ear. “What does that even mean?”

  “I think it means leaving was the worst decision he ever made.”

  “Thank you, Einstein.” My fingers pinch the bridge of my nose in an attempt to calm my oncoming headache.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen. It was an impulsive mistake. He’s with Lily. I’m not over Grayson…”

  “I’m sorry to break it to you, sweetheart, but I don’t think you’ll ever be over Grayson. That’s one you’re going to have to live with for the rest of your life. There is no such thing as closure. It doesn’t exist.”

  “I was afraid you’d say that.” I curl onto my side and bring a pillow to my chest.

  “It’s not a bad thing, Sawyer. Grayson was your husband. He was a part of your life for four and a half years. He didn’t just pass away peacefully. He was taken from you. If you tossed him to the side and forgot about him, I think that’d be a pretty disrespectful thing to do. I think you’ll learn to live with his loss. To be honest, I think you’ve already learned to live with the loss, and that’s okay.”

  “But what do I do about Dean?”

  She hesitates. “What do you want to do about Dean?”

  I groan. “I have no idea.”

  “Then don’t do anything reckless now. Just think about it, and remember what I said. As much as you want to keep it to yourself, he deserves to know the truth.”

  DEAN

  SAWYER IGNORES ME at every turn. The kiss was impulsive, but I know she felt it, too. I know she wanted it as much as I did. No one can kiss like that and not mean it.

  I’ve tried calling her and texting her with no response. I nearly catch her outside the café on Monday morning, but she darts away in the opposite direction, pretending she doesn’t see me. The feeling I get when our eyes meet can’t be ignored, and I know she can’t ignore it either.

  We’re back to her avoiding me, though, this time it’s for a different reason, so I don’t feel so dejected. I want to go to her house, but I fear that’s bordering on stalker-ish. Plus, I really look like a jerk since she doesn’t know the truth about Lily.

  I wish I had thought about that before I kissed her. To her, now I’m probably more than a cheater. But I don’t want to tell her that over text or in a voicemail. If only I could get her to look at me.

  ***

  For a week, I do nothing but work. I keep my mind as focused on the bikes as I can. Though it’s a little escape, it doesn’t help completely. I finally spot her coming out of the drug store the following Tuesday. She’s walking down the sidewalk toward her car wearing black leggings and an oversized sweater. It hangs off of one of her shoulders, baring her flawless skin. Her hair is piled on top of her head in one of those messy buns that, even though she doesn’t put any effort into it, makes her look incredibly beautiful.

  I rush to the opposite side of the street, avoiding an oncoming car and somehow come up close behind her undetected.

  “You know, you’ve really mastered the power of invisibility.”

  Sawyer spins around with her hand pressed to her chest. “Holy crap, Dean. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

  I chuckle under my breath. “It never fails.”

  Her fist darts out to punch my shoulder. I move, but she’s quicker than she looks and clips me just right. “Ouch.” I laugh.

  “That’s what you get, punk. You scared me half to death.”

  “You would think after all these years you’d be more prepared.” I wink and she glares, but it’s playful enough. And then it’s as if it dawns on her what happened when we saw each other last and she shifts uncomfortably, her eyes looking around at everything but me. If she had ruby slippers, she’d be clicking them together right about now. She needs me to pretend the kiss never happened, so I do.

  “No Sprinkles today?” I ask.

  “I’ll be going in a little later,” she responds casually. “I needed to run a few errands this morning, so Polly is having me close. It’s Tuesday. It’s usually not too busy to handle the bakery alone.”

  I think about the last time she closed and grit my teeth. “You really shouldn’t be closing that place all alone that late at night.”

  “That was a fluke
night, Dean. Normally, I’m out of there by eight. We had a lot of prepping to do that day for a big order for following day.”

  I don’t care. If that happened once, it can happen again. “On nights like that, will you call me, please? Let me either walk you to your car or take you home. I’d feel much more at ease if I knew you were safe.”

  “Dean, I’m fine. I doubt Josh will try anything again.”

  “I’m not talking about Josh. I know he knows better. But there could be others. This town isn’t free of creeps.”

  “You’re ridiculously paranoid.”

  “I don’t care, Sawyer.” I can’t stand the thought of anything happening to her. “Promise me.”

  “Okay, okay,” she finally concedes. “But I don’t think you have to worry about that for a long time.”

  “Nevertheless, promise me you’ll call me.”

  “I will.” I nod, grateful she forfeited this fight so easily. “I need to get home to get ready for work.”

  I can’t figure out what she would possibly need to change about her appearance, but she fusses with her hair self-consciously. “All right. Have a good day. I’ll see ya later.”

  She lifts her hand to wave. “Okay. You too.” Sawyer walks away, and I watch her the entire way.

  SAWYER

  “HEY THERE, SWEET girl. Long day?”

  I offer my dad a small smile and collapse on the adjacent couch with a sigh. “Yeah. You could say that.” I reach for the TV remote on the ottoman.

  He lifts his foot, resting it atop his other knee and sets down his book on the side table. “You know this old man’s a pretty good listener. Now that I’m retired, I’ve mastered quite a few arts. Something on your mind?”

  Everything. Hence the TV. I want it to drown out my thoughts, be a mindless distraction so I don’t have to feel. I want to stop feeling so much, stop feeling everything. I want it to all go away. Grayson, Dean, how everything unfolded…