Me Without You Read online

AROUND NOON I walk into Sawyer’s bakery, Sprinkles.

  I kept my mom’s condition a secret from Sawyer until about six months ago. She had so much going on in her life when Mama was diagnosed, I didn’t want to burden her with it. She was happy with Grayson in Seattle, finally getting her life back on track after Train Wreck Dean. Then, as more time passed, it never felt like the right time to tell her. It was easier not telling her. Talking about it made it so much more real. And then with Grayson’s passing, she didn’t need the extra stress. I was handling it… until I wasn’t.

  Hovering over my drafting board, I listen while Brooks whines about not being able to have his friend, Tyler, over. It’s seven o’clock, and I’ve got to get these designs back to the contractor by tomorrow or I lose this job. I don’t have time to listen to Brooks complain. We can’t afford for me to lose out on this job.

  “But I never get to have friends over!” He stomps angrily.

  “Because it’s too hard, Brooks.” I take off my glasses and look up at him standing in the doorway to my studio. And not only that, they’d see something was different about her.

  “It’s not fair!” He stomps his foot again. “All my other friends get to have friends over. Why can’t I just this one time?”

  “Hello,” Mama calls from the living room where she was supposed to be watching TV. “Hellooooo. Where is everyone? Alix?”

  “Well, life’s not fair, Brooks,” I say. “I’ve got Mama to look out for. I can’t do that and watch you and your friend and try to get work done. It’s just not happening tonight.”

  “You’re not even watching me and Mama right now. You’re working.” He fumes.

  “Exactly,” I shoot back. “I’m working. I’ve got to work to keep food on the table. You want to starve?”

  “Hey,” Mama says, standing behind Brooks now. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

  “I hate you! You don’t even care about me! It’s always about Mama or work or anything but me!” Brooks shouts and turns, running away. I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to breathe.

  “I really need to—” Mama begins. The front door opens and slams shut. Crap! “I really need to go to the bathroom,” she finishes.

  “Ma, it’ll have to wait.” I shoulder past her. “I need to go after Brooks.”

  “I’m… I’m… I’m going to pee my pants,” she says, starting to cry.

  Torn in two, I stall in the hallway. “Gah!” What am I thinking? I can’t leave her even if I wanted to. I can’t be in two places at once. I grab my phone and call my mom’s best friend, Gina, but she doesn’t answer. “Gosh dangit!”

  “Alix. Please. I can’t find it. I don’t know why I can’t find it,” Mama cries. I take her hand, guiding her to the bathroom and call the only other person I can think of. It has to be now. This is how she’ll have to find out.

  “Hey, Felix.” Sawyer’s voice is light.

  “Sawyer, I really need you right now.”

  She hears the distress in my voice, but doesn’t question me. “Where are you?”

  “Home.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  Not that she lives all that far away, but she must have been pushing the speed limit to get to my house as fast as she did. Within five minutes she comes storming through the door without knocking. I’m sitting on the bench by our front door, putting on my shoes.

  “What’s going on?” she asks.

  “I need you to stay with my mom. Brooks just took off. I have to go find him.”

  “What? Why? Why isn’t she going to look for Brooks? We all can.”

  “No,” I snap, not having the time to explain this instant. “You don’t get it. I’ll explain when I get back. Will you please just stay with her? Make sure she doesn’t get into anything.”

  Sawyer nods with the most confused and hurt look on her face. “Okay.”

  “Thank you.” I try to soften my voice before running out the door.

  I return with Brooks in tow about fifteen minutes later. He ran to Tyler’s, just as I suspected. When we walk into the living room, Sawyer is sitting on the couch with my mom and says, “You have a lot of explaining to do.”

  Sawyer’s been helping to keep my secret ever since, lending a hand when I can’t be in two places at once, or if Gina is busy. It makes me wish I had told her sooner, but I’m grateful she knows now. It’s getting to the point where it’s only a matter of time before my mom’s condition is plastered all around town. It’s been a miracle that I’ve been able to hide it for this long. But since Mama did a pretty good job of isolating herself all on her own after my father left, no one’s really bothered to question her absence. No one’s really bothered to seek her out. They might question how she’s doing or say they’ve missed seeing her face, but when someone isn’t a part of the latest gossip, it’s amazing how quickly people tend to forget about them. How easily people become consumed with their own lives and drama. It’s something I’ve been banking on to keep our lives private. I’ve even gone so far as to divert attention to the latest town gossip when people question our lives. Surprisingly, and unsurprisingly, it works every time.

  Sawyer rolls out the white fondant for her wedding cake, and I sit on the counter beside her, watching.

  “You want any help with that?” I ask.

  “It’s okay. I’ve got this. This is my element.”

  “Yeah. You probably want me far away from it. I’ll single-handedly destroy your wedding cake by being near it.”

  Sawyer laughs, but doesn’t deny it. She shrugs her long, wavy ponytail back over her shoulder to get it out of the way.

  “Is everything else lined up for tomorrow? Do you need me to pick up any last minute things? Garter? Something blue or borrowed? I’ve got some ideas up my sleeve.” I suggestively wiggle my eyebrows.

  Sawyer chuckles. “Oh, that is something I do not doubt, but we’ve got all we need. It’s not going to be anything extravagant. Just be at my parents’ house tomorrow morning around eleven. My mom’s got everything else covered.”

  “Of course she does,” I say wryly. “Though, if she doesn’t object during the ceremony, I’ll owe Aiden fifty bucks.”

  “Shut up.” She laughs and flicks some flour in my face. “You guys are betting on our wedding?”

  “Just knowing the love your mother has for your future husband, a bet couldn’t be surpassed.” I swipe my hand on the flour-covered countertop and wipe it down her cheek, leaving a nice, white streak. I immediately jump back out of reach from her retaliation.

  She turns to face me with a comically murderous glare. “If I didn’t think a flour fight could ruin this masterpiece, I’d so take you down right now, but this cannot be replicated this late in the game.”

  I laugh. “I win.”

  “This time.” Sawyer rolls her eyes. “When did you two even make that bet?”

  “At Moment in Thyme last week. And you know Aiden; he started cracking jokes about how angry your mom must be. Most likely just trying to start a conversation with me. He won’t let us go.”

  A knowing smile traces Sawyer’s lips, but she doesn’t say what she’s thinking. She doesn’t have to. She’s tried to wear me down just as much as he has, and I’m not breaking. I stand by my decision to keep my distance from him. I don’t trust him enough with my heart.

  “How’d you handle the Lily situation?” I ask to veer the conversation, while I wash my hands off in the small sink behind the counter. “Did you decide to send an invite or not?”

  “Well, my parents invited her parents, but I didn’t send her one. I thought it would be a little cruel, rubbing our life in her face.”

  “Like she had any care for your feelings before.”

  Sawyer shrugs. “You know, as upset as I was that she went after Dean when I was gone, I realize now I had no right. Grayson and I had been married for a good year or so when they started dating. Sure, I would have preferred that Dean not date my best friend from high school, but I can’t really blame eit
her of them.”

  “So quick to forgive.”

  She shrugs. “What’s the point of holding a grudge?”

  “You’re asking the wrong person.”

  Sawyer blows her swoopy bangs out of her eyes. “Whatever. I can’t do anything about it now. Don’t you have some errands to run?” she taunts.

  “Though you might believe otherwise, errands is not code for plans with Aiden. He’s got Bridget to make plans with. I actually do have to go to the grocery store or we won’t have dinner for tonight.”

  “Oh, stop. We all know Bridget and Aiden have nothing going on. But whatever you say,” she sings as she saunters into the back of the bakery. “He tells me more than you do.” Her voice travels to the front. “You don’t fool me.”

  “I wish he’d tell me whatever fantasy he’s sharing with you,” I holler and let my eyes wander over the smooth lines of her frosted wedding cake. “It would probably be much more entertaining than the reality.”

  Sawyer walks back up carrying a tray of what looks like large, pale pink sugar flower petals. “Something tells me it’s pretty close to reality.”

  “I wouldn’t believe everything you hear.”

  “Oh, you know me better than to believe I’d fall for rumors.”

  “He saw us yesterday,” I say.

  Sawyer stops and looks up. “You and your mom? How?”

  “He was with his grandma at Dr. Fallon’s in Bakerton.”

  With eyes wide, she asks, “What did you do?”

  “I froze.” I groan and lean back against the countertop. “I didn’t know what to say to him, so I bolted. I don’t think he’ll say anything to anyone, but knowing him, he’ll ask me questions I don’t want to answer.”

  “Just tell him about your mom, Felix. What’s it going to hurt? He’d keep your secret. And honestly, you know it’s going to come out sooner or later. With the way this town talks, I don’t know how you’ve kept it so quiet. I’m surprised they haven’t questioned whether you murdered her and have been trying to cover it up.”

  I snort and heavily sigh. “I know. I know. I just… My mom was so adamant about not letting people know in the beginning. She didn’t want anyone questioning her competence. And now, I’m not ready for everyone to know. My father leaving is finally old news.” It only took eight years. “People don’t look at me like that poor girl without a good-for-nothing father anymore. I don’t want her to be referred to as that poor woman who can’t catch a break—an unfaithful husband and now early onset Alzheimer’s? They’ll stare or won’t know how to act around her. They know a completely different woman than I know now. I don’t want to put her through more than necessary.”

  Sawyer doesn’t give up. “I think Aiden would be a good ally to have. He’s had his fair share of family business spread throughout town a time or two. I mean…who hasn’t? Last year I was the poor girl who lost her husband. How will she ever move on? Now, I’m the girl who got over her husband’s death too quickly. I mean, really, Felix. It doesn’t matter what everyone says. It’ll blow over. Let Aiden give you a shoulder to lean on.” She waggles her eyebrows.

  “Okay,” I say dryly. “You got me. I’ll bite. What the heck is Ballard feeding you?”

  “That you’re going to be his date to the wedding.” Sawyer lifts the fondant and meticulously places it over a circular, three-tiered cake, making sure to fit it just right to cover every inch.

  I hold up my index finger. “Okay. For one, he’s the best man. I’m the maid of honor. We’re going to be hanging around each other all day long anyway.” I lift my middle finger to join my index. “And two, I told him he was supposed to help me keep any creeps away. Those two things do not equal date.”

  Sawyer chuckles. “You might want to clarify that one with Aiden.”

  “Oh, I’ll make that plenty clear,” I say, making my way to the front of Sprinkles. I can’t stay away from Mama for much longer. “It will be so clear you’ll be able to see right through his bullpucky.”

  She laughs. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re twenty-six or a youth group leader.”

  “Hey, I’ve got to create a habit of keeping my mouth clean, or Brooks is going to sound like a sailor before he’s ten.”

  Sawyer shakes her head as she focuses on her cake. “Tell Aiden I said hey!”

  “Tell him yourself,” I call back with a smirk as I walk out the front door.

  AIDEN

  MY BEST FRIEND is getting married today. You’d think that’d be the highlight of my day. Don’t get me wrong. I’m so freaking happy for Dean. He’s marrying the love of his life, the one he let get away, and was all too lucky to get back; but when I walk out into Sawyer’s backyard where the ceremony will be held later today, I catch sight of Alix Fink ordering everyone around and finalizing decorations—the real reason why I’m so hyped up for today. I get to spend the entire day pestering her.

  Before I make my way over to Alix, I see Dean standing at the back of the chairs assembled for the ceremony, his hands shoved in his suit pant pockets. He studies the archway at the front where they’re going to be married.

  “You lucky son of a gun.” I walk up behind him and clasp his shoulder. “You did it. You got the girl.”

  Dean peers over his shoulder and rubs his neck anxiously—his nervous tic. He smirks at the ground. “Yeah. Yeah I did.”

  “So modest.” I punch his shoulder. “You should be pumping your fist up in the air and shouting at the top of your lungs. I won!”

  “Inside I am.” Dean chuckles and looks at me. I study his eyes. His shoulders relax. This is a Dean I haven’t seen in a long time. This is a content, happy man—a man with no worries, no weight of the world on his shoulders. I wish I knew what that felt like.

  I drape my arm around his shoulders. “I know you are, man. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks.” He reaches up and pats my back. “You’ve always had faith in me.”

  “I have faith in you and Sawyer. She’s the one. This is it. Today’s the first day of the rest of your life.”

  “I wish it was the end of the day already.” He sighs and stretches his neck, pulling on the collar of his button-up shirt.

  I laugh. “I know you’ve always hated the spotlight, but today it’ll be worth it.”

  “It’s more than worth it.” He nods at me. “You’re lookin’ pretty dapper, by the way. Can’t say I remember the last time I saw you in a suit. Prom?” His eyebrow lifts as he tries to recall.

  “Probably.” I chuckle and pull at the skinny tie strangling me. “I feel like I can’t breathe. This tie is coming off the moment the dancing begins.” Lifting my chin, I say, “You don’t look too shabby either.” I reach out and straighten his slightly crooked tie.

  “This is the first and last time Sawyer will ever get me in a suit,” he says.

  “Dean?” Mrs. Hartwell calls to him from the archway where she’s talking to their pastor.

  “Better not tick off the mother-in-law before it’s official,” I murmur.

  He laughs. “I think it’s too late for that.” Shaking his head, he makes his way over to her.

  I look around the Hartwell’s yard again to find Alix messing with the flowers in the center of a long banquet table along the back of the house. Her lips pucker like she’s deep in thought. What could be so hard about arranging flowers? They look fine to me, but I decide the only gentlemanly thing to do is go and see if I can be of assistance.

  As she moves down the table to the next arrangement, she pays no attention to anything around her. Alix’s short hair brushes the back of her neck, the sun highlighting strands of red, drawing my attention to the delicate curve from her neck to bare shoulder. The pale pink dress forms to her figure, flowing out at her waist and hitting her just above the knees. I slowly approach her from behind and lean over near her ear. “I hope you plan on wearing this dress again.”

  Alix shoots up, nearly hitting me in the face. I step back as she whirls around. “Ballard!” She smac
ks my chest with the most adorable scowl. “You scared the crap out of me.”

  I can’t contain my amusement. “That was kind of the point.”

  She huffs a sigh and runs her hands down the front of her dress, straightening it out like it needs ironing. Her feathers are officially ruffled. “I could have broken your nose,” Alix says to the ground.

  “It would have been worth it.” I keep smiling.

  Folding her arms, she gives me her sassy face. In the years right after my parents’ deaths, that sassy face was the only thing that could really make me smile. She never knew and still doesn’t, but on days that were particularly difficult I sought out her face in the hallways. One peek, and for that moment all else was forgotten. I longed for that small reprieve. While it might have been minor, it was better than always feeling the unbearable weight and guilt of losing them.

  “At least we can agree on that,” she says, her lips still pursed, trying to pretend like she’s mad at me. We both know she’s not.

  I clutch my chest, faking a wound. “Oh, that hurts. You want to cause me bodily harm so badly I’m surprised you haven’t done it already.”

  She arches an eyebrow slyly. “I’m waiting for the perfect opportunity.”

  “So, I should be on guard. Good to know.”

  Alix’s hand rises to her hip. “Why did you tell Sawyer I was your date for this?”

  “Date…counterpart in the ceremony…it’s all the same thing.”

  “It’s really not.”

  “Would it be so bad if you were my date? I open doors and offer my jacket when it’s cold. Oh, and I tip really well. I’m told I’m quite the gentleman.”

  “If you have to prattle off your good qualities to get a date, chances are you’re not as great as you think.” Her eyes light with teasing.

  I clench my heart again like she shot me. “Man. I’m oh-for-two. Things aren’t looking up for me, are they?”

  Alix bites down on her bottom lip, fighting her smile—poorly I might add. If only I could be the one to bite that bottom lip. “Don’t you have something better to do than pester me? Like maybe a pep talk for the groom, so he doesn’t get cold feet and run out of here, leaving the bride at the altar. I’ll kill him if he does.”