Me Without You Read online

  Sonnova bee sting.

  I shift gradually, taking extra care not to make any sudden movements and look over my shoulder. First, I catch sight of tangled short blond hair and then trace the curve of his smooth jawline to meet his perfectly plump lips.

  Mother of pearl.

  I fear looking under the covers. I’m still in my dress. I can feel his bare chest against my back. Oh, for the love of all things, please tell me that we didn’t… we wouldn’t have… I wouldn’t have…

  I’ve got to get out of here. Gina is probably wondering what the heck happened to me. Gaining what minimal courage I have left, I lift the sheet as carefully as I can and peek with one eye, too terrified to look with both.

  Oh, praise the ever-living Greeks. He’s wearing pants. The last thing I need is to wake him, so I slowly extract myself from under his dang tattooed arm and slide out of the bed. When I stand, he groans, and I halt in place, freezing like a cat burglar caught in the act.

  There’s silence for the next couple of seconds, so I peer over my shoulder to see Aiden curled around a pillow. The sheet shifted, now only draping across from the waist down. The morning light seeping through the curtains kisses his solid back muscles. It’s not a shabby view. It’s actually an extremely nice view. I shake my head and slap my cheek to clear any thoughts. No, Alix. Bad, Alix.

  But…those possibilities sound so tempting.

  No. I straighten my spine with a semi-clear head and make my way to the bedroom door. I find my heels along the way at the base of the footboard.

  The knob creaks as I slowly turn it. Ever heard of WD-40, Ballard?

  “Alix?” his raspy voice breaks the silent morning.

  With clenched fists, I curse under my breath. Gah! So close. I take a moment to compose myself before turning around to face the ramifications.

  Aiden rolls to his side and props himself on one elbow, staring me down. “Slumber party and dash. That sounds so unlike you.”

  “Will you not let me make my walk of shame in peace?” I’m not above begging here.

  He chuckles a throaty morning laugh, and my knees nearly buckle. “Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

  The little people light a fire in my cheeks. I want to bury my face in my hands. This can’t be happening. If only I could close my eyes and make him disappear, I would. Give me some ruby slippers so I can click them together. I’d take Oz over this awkward conversation any day. Throw in the Wicked Witch. I’ll deal with her too.

  “I guess not,” he says under his breath. I glare at him. “What?” He laughs again, feigning innocence. “I was talking about this new mattress. Just bought it. Cozy, isn’t it?” After he glides his hand over the empty sheet next to him, he winks.

  Shaking my head, I grumble, “Ten years later and you’re still a perpetual child.”

  “I don’t see how that’s bad thing.”

  I have to get out of here. As soon as I find my purse and my keys…

  “You don’t remember anything from last night, do you?” If I had a spork I’d gouge the satisfaction right out of his eyes. He’s taking way too much pleasure from my pain.

  The moment of truth. This is why I don’t drink. This right here. You do stupid things and then can’t remember them the next day. And you feel like crap. Oh gosh, I think I’m going to be sick. Fraggle. Every time. EVERY. DANG. TIME. Curse you, Aiden Ballard. Curse you, fetching alcohol!

  “Would you believe me if I told you that I don’t?”

  He won’t swipe the smug smile from his face. “It depends. Do you want to remember?”

  That answer is a double-edged sword if I ever saw one. There is no easy way to answer that. The simple answer is yes, because if something did happen between us I’d want to remember every tiny detail. But if I confess that I want to remember, it would seem as if I wanted whatever happened last night to happen. He can’t ever know about the stupid hold he has on me. If he does, he wins, and I can’t let Aiden win. But if I say no, I run the risk of hurting his feelings. And while that’s not something I’m normally overly concerned about, there’s something behind his cocky exterior this morning that screams vulnerability. His typical guard is down, and I want so badly to invade.

  My only option is to redirect. “Are you aware that you snore?”

  Aiden laughs again and falls back onto the pillows. “Now I know you don’t remember.”

  “What makes you so sure?”

  Lifting himself onto his elbows, he peers at me still at the bedroom door. “Because I know for a fact that I don’t snore.”

  “Well, for your information, it was your heavy breathing that woke me up this morning.”

  “First of all, heavy breathing and snoring are two very different things. And secondly, if anyone is going to point fingers about who snores, that finger should curl in and point to you.”

  I backed myself into that corner. Sawyer used to complain about my Darth Vader snores all the time. I’m that bad.

  “Do you remember last night?” I ask.

  “Every. Detail,” he says unhurriedly, a slow, sleepy smile growing on his face.

  Fetch. He’s not going to let this go. Nothing happened. Nothing. I’m sticking to it.

  I want to ask him if we’re at his house, but I know that will completely blow my cover. I’ll have to figure it out once I get to my car and turn on my phone. My phone.

  “Where’s my purse?”

  He chuckles because I fail at every turn to prove I remember last night. “I left it on my kitchen counter. But I don’t know how you think you’re getting home.”

  “I…” How did I get here? “Where’s my car?”

  “Still at Sawyer’s. She told me I couldn’t take you home the way you were. So, I brought you here.”

  “And you thought because I was clearly unconscious that it was okay to sleep with me?”

  Aiden frowns and narrows his eyes. “All right, let’s a get a few things straight. Though you might not have been completely lucid, you were not unconscious. The fact that you don’t remember a thing actually surprises me. And I was going to let you have the bed all to yourself. I let you get all comfortable and began to leave my room, but you asked me to stay.”

  “And why would I do that?” I fold my arms across my chest to keep a confident front. In a hazy state I totally would have asked him to stay. My brain would have been mush.

  “Your guess is as good as mine,” he retorts.

  “And why didn’t you tell me no? I obviously wouldn’t have fought you on it.”

  Aiden grits his teeth. “Nothing happened, Alix.” I’m about to repeat my question when he says, “Contrary to what you might think about me, I don’t take advantage of women, especially ones who wouldn’t remember it the next day. I like my women coherent.”

  I scowl. Women. He has women. Of course he does. Every time I see him he’s with a different one. Priscilla and Shelly and Bridget and who knows who else since then.

  “Well, if you could please take me home now, I’ll leave you to your women.”

  “Dangit, Alix,” Aiden says, tossing the bed covers aside and standing. “Don’t twist my words around. That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” He strides toward me wearing only his gray slacks.

  I need a second to recover and respond as I take in the sight of him. His bare tan chest begs for my hands to run across their arches. No, no, no. Stop it, Alix. “No, I don’t.” I motion my hand between us. “And that is exactly why this will never work out.”

  He sighs and tosses his hands in the air. “You’ve got to let that go, Alix. Bridget and I are just friends. We weren’t on a date that night. We’ve never been on a date before. And we never will go on a date because we don’t like each other like that. We were in diapers together. She’s like a sister to me. And not in the grow-out-of-it-when-you-hit-puberty kind of way. I have no desire to be with her. Ever.”

  I blink, stunned by whatever brought on that confession. Finally. “That wasn’t so hard to
say, now was it? You couldn’t have told me that that night or maybe every other opportunity you’ve had over the last two years?”

  “I’ve tried. What was I supposed to do? You’ve never given me the opportunity. Was I supposed to say it in passing? Hey, Alix! Bridget’s like a sister to me! K bye! It’s not like you’d believe me anyway.”

  “Right. I guess you couldn’t have told me in front of all those woman you parade around. Who’s your next victim? I hear Lily’s off the market.”

  Aiden works his jaw. I can’t tell if he wants to laugh or curse at me. I thought it was pretty funny, but he’s not laughing. Finally he says, “Don’t pretend this is the first time you’ve ever heard about Bridget. I tried explaining it before, and you brushed me off. And I know Sawyer or someone has told you we are just friends.”

  Maybe. But it doesn’t make a difference. “It’s fine. I believe you.”

  “Do you?” he asks with an unconvinced arched eyebrow.

  “Yes.” I sigh. It doesn’t change anything.

  “Then why is it that you’re still pushing me away?”

  Because that’s what I do. “I’m not.”

  I’ll be honest. Knowing how close Bridget and Aiden are is one reason I stay away. To me it’s not worth the risk. Someday he’ll see they’re meant to be. I’ll be the conquest he couldn’t conquer, and we’ll move on with our lives. So why would I even try?

  “You are. You never give me the opportunity to have a serious conversation with you. You push me away at every turn.”

  “Why do you care so much?” I retort.

  “Are you for real?” Aiden laughs humorlessly, aggressively running his fingers through his hair. It stands on end, and I have the urge to comb my fingers through it to calm it down. I curl my fingers in, my nails digging into my palms to clear those thoughts.

  He pauses, shaking his head at me. “You ready to go?” he asks, no longer angry, but definitely not his playful self either. He’s defeated…or maybe just fed up. As he should be. It’s pointless for him to waste his time on me.

  “Yes, please.”

  AIDEN

  WE DRIVE IN silence to Sawyer’s house. How could such a good night get so twisted in a matter of minutes? I steal glances of Alix as she sits irritably in the passenger’s seat with her arms crossed, staring out the window. Not once has she looked my way. Heck, she hasn’t even looked out the windshield. She doesn’t even want to see me in her peripheral.

  Why does she fight me so hard? What is she afraid of? Why was she at the neurologist’s office?

  I take it from the fuming vibes she’s radiating that now is not the right time to ask. It was clear it had to do with her mom. There has been a little talk of her mom being aloof over the last year or so, but I’ve heard the assumptions. She’s depressed. She’s flighty. Gone crazy. Flakey. Unsocial. But I never really thought much about it. Alix’s mom wasn’t exactly my main focus, but maybe she should have been.

  It’s not like I’m not used to Alix’s cold shoulder. She’s always tried to freeze me out—with the exception of Dallas’s party. She was a different woman that night; one that I thought might have changed.

  “Aide,” Bridget says, leaning closer to me. “Alix is here. You should go say hi to her.”

  I search the crowd for her face and spot Alix in the corner with Sasha and Janna. Her head falls back as she laughs. Time stops. Time always stops for Alix. It’s been years since I’ve seen her face. I thought those years away might change the way I felt about her. I thought my unrequited love would diminish, but it’s back like a stampede. And all I can do is stand here and wait for them to trample me to the ground.

  Her hair is shorter, cut to her chin. Feisty. The red stands out more than it used to. It’s darker, richer.

  “I don’t know.” I pick at the hangnail on my thumb.

  “Why not?” Bridget asks.

  “Because my best friend is the reason her best friend moved away.” Even as the words leave my mouth I know how juvenile they sound. I am a grown man for heaven’s sake. But it doesn’t change their truthfulness. I’d heard through the grapevine that Sawyer vanished a few years ago. I wanted to contact her and talk to her about Dean. We both lost him that day, but I didn’t know what to say. Now she’s married, and I really don’t know what to say.

  “You act as if Dean didn’t abandon you, too. Alix has no right to hate you for Dean’s mistakes.”

  Dean had his reasons for leaving, but I can’t deny how much it hurt in the beginning. But we’re better now.

  I snort. “Do you know Alix at all? That’s exactly what she’ll do. You know she wasn’t my biggest fan in high school. Now? I don’t stand a chance.”

  Maybe Alix and I can be better now.

  “Wait a second. Are you the same Aiden Ballard I grew up with? The same Aiden Ballard who was bound and determined to make Alix Fink fall in love with him?”

  My eyes shift between Alix and Bridget. I’m so torn. Why can’t I just grow a pair? Sighing, I say, “You know all I did in college was try to forget about her.”

  “And you haven’t,” Bridget says flatly. “What do you have to lose?”

  Everything. “You’re right.” Screw it. She can’t possibly hold more disdain for me than I do myself. And maybe in some twisted way that’s why I want her so badly. She doesn’t place me on a pedestal. She doesn’t treat me like I deserve more. When I don’t.

  I put one foot in front of the other.

  “There he is!” Bridget hollers as I walk toward Alix.

  As I get closer, some jerk bumps into her and she falls back. I rush forward to catch her. It’s so crowded in here, though, that in my rush to reach her, I nearly knock over someone else.

  “Hey! Watch it!” some girl says and glares.

  “Sorry,” I apologize with my hands out to show I didn’t mean it.

  Her dirty look transforms into a flirtatious smile, but I turn quickly back to Alix who’s now sitting on the floor, laughing, of all things. I reach my hand out to help her up. She lifts her green eyes to me and blinks like she doesn’t recognize me.

  “Aiden Freaking Ballard.” She smiles. Alix. Smiles. At me. She places her hand in mine and lets me help her up. Her eyes light with confusion as she takes me in, examining every inch of me.

  It’s a simple greeting, and suddenly I’m in high school all over again—tongue-tied and nervous. This isn’t me. I’ve grown out of the nerves. At least I thought I had. But maybe it’s that no one makes me feel the way Alix does. An irrepressible smile tugs my lips. “Hey, Alix.”

  “Where’s your other half?” she asks dryly, disdainfully.

  Probably with Lily. But I don’t dare say that because that would only fuel a fire I don’t know how to put out. “Dean’s not really one to go out anymore.”

  She grunts disapprovingly, but doesn’t walk away or brush me off. Instead she asks, “You back in Willowhaven on break?”

  “For good,” I reply, clearing my throat because it’s somehow lost its ability to speak loudly.

  “Oh, you graduated already?”

  I nod. “Got my Bachelor’s in business.”

  “I can’t believe it’s been that long already.” She shakes her head, distantly distracted. Her eyes wander, and I feel as though I’m losing her, but then she comes back to me and looks me in the eyes. “You’ve got a degree, yet you chose to come back here for good?” She laughs, baffled. “Why in the world would you do that?”

  “My sister.” I shrug. “And my grandparents.”

  Not that I said that to earn points, but those two words are all she needs. “Good reason.” Alix smiles sincerely. I don’t know what to do with myself. She’s never smiled at me like this before. She’s never smiled at me before. Well, she has once before. Once.

  “What are you doing with your life?” I ask. Tell me everything.

  “I was going to school for art history, but now I’m taking online classes and studying interior design, drafting to be specific.�
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  Impressive. “I didn’t know you liked to draw.”

  “There are a lot of things about me you don’t know.” She smiles flirtatiously, and my heart falls into her hands. She has more power now than ever to break me. But it would be worth it. I know it.

  “Well, I’ve got all the time in the world,” I say. “Shall we start now?”

  Her tongue snakes out, touching her bottom lip, and she bites the corner, contemplating. “I’ll grab us some drinks,” she says.

  I don’t want her to leave my side. She might not come back. “I’ll go with you.” Stepping aside, I gesture for her to go first, and I’ll follow.

  She bats her thick eyelashes and steps closer to me. I swallow and search for my manhood. It’s got to be around here somewhere. Be cool, Aiden. Be cool.

  “Okay,” she says.

  Even if it’s just for one night, I feel like I won the lottery.

  Before my car is stopped, Alix starts unbuckling her seatbelt. “Thank you for the ride,” she says stiffly, escaping out of my car faster than a racehorse.

  “Anytime.” I equally want to have her out of my sight and drag her back into the car. Just to have her near me. “You think you’ll be all right getting home?”

  Alix frowns. “I’ll be fine.” Before she closes the door behind her, she stops. She bends down and grits her teeth as she says, “Thanks. For last night. For…not taking advantage.” It’s not without a little bitterness, but it seems like she’s trying to extend an olive branch. Though it still irritates me that she thinks I would take advantage.

  “You’re welcome.” I think.

  She nods once, expressionless, and closes the passenger side door.

  Through the open window I holler, “Next time we’ll do breakfast!” She throws another glare over her shoulder, like it’s a ninja star, and severs my smirk.

  Exhaling, I lean my head back on my headrest.

  What am I doing? Do I really love rejection that much? Why do I keep trying?

  Because in some twisted way I know she needs me almost as much as I need her. And while I don’t know all the details of why she is the way she is, I get bitterness. I understand anger. But somehow, when I’m with her, those feelings can’t touch me. Together we could obliterate those emotions. Together we could erase the ghosts of our pasts and build a better future.